Monday, April 23, 2012

Don't Let It Break Your Heart

And if I lost the map
If I lost it all
Or fell into the trap
Then she'd call

When you're tired of racing
And you find you never left the start
Come on over baby
Don't let it break your heart

I'm caught in kind of a strange place these days.  I feel like I started the season over again after Galveston.  At night I'd lay my head down excited about the upcoming training and adventure, but tentatively realizing it felt like I had a long way to go.  New coach, new race plan, new start.. in April.  Then Jo died and I questioned everything.  

If I've learned anything from Jo it was to follow your path, your "calling" per say.  She certainly did that every day of her life.  It sure did throw me for a loop though.  Instead of running in Z1 like I was supposed to last Tuesday I found myself running as hard as I could.. from what....I have no idea.  I started out just like prescribed and then I ran faster, and faster, and my feet were on fire and my lungs were burning and I had to keep running. I was free for a second, untouched by fear or pain or sorrow.  Running has always been that place.  It's that place where I could let go, hide, think, suffer, feel the life around me, feel my own soul, wants, needs, dreams, and wishes.  It's the place I go to when I feel lost and confused or happy, thankful and filled with gratitude.  Those shoes are part of the key to unlock the door to my heart.  Sometimes it's hard to tap into that part of myself any other way.  

After I screwed up that workout royally I emailed my coach "Sorry Jesse, every time I looked down I was running wayyy harder/faster than I was supposed to.  Going through some emotional stuff and I just needed to run."  He seemed to understand.  Sometimes it has to be about more than the workout.  The workouts can't dictate everything about my life.  Much of it, yes, but everything.. no. I'm still human and dang it maybe I just needed to feel FAST for one minute.  I miss feeling that way.. feel like it's been too long.  

This past weekend I watched everyone race and I was a bit envious.  It's an awesome, scary, fun, amazing thing to step up to a start line when you're prepared and ready to execute.  It's never easy, but that's what makes it fun.  I watched my Ballou Skies Teammates rip it up and give it everything and my heart swelled up with pride and gratitude for their races.  It was a little hard missing out.. but patience is the name of the game right now.  It's not the glamorous word.  It's not the fun word.  It's the put your head down and do the work like you are supposed to word.  It's the consistency, the day, in day out nailing it.  It's the admitting that you screwed up and you can do better because you KNOW better, word (like I did TWICE last week).  

I want to race like the wind again.  I want to feel the anticipation of the starting line and the wind in my hair as I dig into the places I can only find between the start and the finish.  Where I find out new things about myself and why I love this sport.  Where pain and I become one and we make friends in a weird and strange way.  Believe it or not, that's where I find part of my joy.  Where I feel close to my maker and understanding the intensity of his suffering more deeply.  Nothing peels away the layers of my character quite like when I'm out there.  I miss that place.  It's not always easy to find that kind of peace and when you do, you have to take it where you can get it and hold on to it tightly. 

So many things in this word break our heart. Things and people beat us down and try to strip us of our dreams.  It's cruel, but it's just the way life works.  One day here, the next day gone, people walk out of our lives either willingly or unwillingly and frankly, we are never the same.  Some love stories are short, but that doesn't mean there is any less love in them.  Knowing that our dreams are worth holding on to, that their possibilities are endless and that nothing is truly impossible should keep us patiently waiting, working and believing even when the odds aren't in our favor.  I believe in my dreams, I did once, and I do again. I believe in the power of the human spirit and I believe in the goodness of people, supporting each other and helping each other along their way.  

For now, I'm just waiting.. patiently for my turn to get out there and test myself once again.  Believe in the plan my friends, the calling for your life.  Find the places where you feel it near to you and hold on to them.  Life is way to short to do what others think you should because "that's what you've always done." 

Life can get pretty rough sometimes, but don't let it break your heart. 

Though heavily we bled
Still on we crawl
Try to catch a cannonball
And a slowly burning tide
Through my veins it's flowing
From my shipwreck I heard her call
And she sang

When you're tired of aiming your arrows,
Still you never hit the mark
Even in your rains and shadows
Still we're never gonna part

Come on over baby

Don't let it brake your heart
Don't let it break your heart

Coldplay.. Don't Let It Break Your Heart


Jen said...

I love and adore you and your beautiful heart so much. This post is beautiful. Simply beautiful.

Michelle Simmons said...

Be patient! Agreed. It can be tough to keep the long term picture in mind. Many athletes just can't do it at all! Hang in there, do the work, and you'll reach your goals! :)