Saturday, March 30, 2013

Five Regrets of the Dying

My Mom sent me this forward a month or two ago and I read it once and saved it.  Usually I hate forwards, but this one was different.  It really resonated with me because it's such a important look into what really matters in life.  It's so so easy to get caught up in the day to day stuff.  Life is busy.  We run kids here and there, we go through the motions at work, we cook, we clean, we workout, we rush around getting groceries and mowing the lawn.  How many times do we stop and think about where our life is really going or what we might be letting slip away because we were so busy?

I'm guilty of it.  That is for sure.  It's much easier for me to just keep going in my little rat race schedule to really make time to re-examine and to actually make a CHANGE.  Change isn't easy. It takes work and it takes effort that sometimes gets drained out of us from the race itself.  That doesn't mean it isn't worth it though.

When you read the below know I'm asking myself these same questions as I'm writing this blog.

I hope this meets you right where you are.. take some time.. think about it.  Let it resonate.  There's a clock ticking on all of us, so don't waste it!

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to 12 weeks of their lives. 

People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learned never to underestimate someones capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected: denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Yet every single patient found peace before departing. 

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced. Here are the most common five: 

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. 

This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have not honored even half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they’d made, or not made. 

It’s important to try to honor at least some of your dreams along the way. It’s too late once you lose your health. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.


2. I wish I didn't work so hard. 

This came from every male patient I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence. 

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. By creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle. 

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings. 

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result. 

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win. 

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. 

Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks, and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying. 

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks: love and relationships. 

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier. 

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called “comfort” of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to themselves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again. 
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying. 
Life is a choice. It is your life. Choose consciously, choose wisely and choose honestly. Choose happiness. 

I wish I could credit this post, but there was no author so whoever you are - thank you, from me and from everyone else it helps. 


GoBigGreen said...

lovely kim. having walked w rich thru dying id say you hit this spot on!

Steve said...

I thought for sure that was your post, and then I remembered at the end. I don't agree with all the points, but definitely agree with the sentiments.

A good thing to share Kim.


Kelly Covert said...

This is great! Thanks for sharing, Kim!!