Tuesday, May 5, 2009


Momentum is a strange thing. I can't say in the past I've given it much thought. When I heard the word I always think of those strange things that people sit on their desk where you have 4-5 balls on strings and you pull one out and let it hit the others and the "momentum" travels through the other four springing the ball on the other side out until it keeps going, each ball on the end carrying the inertia forward (now there's a word I never thought I would have used on a blog - inertia!).
So, momentum, smomentum - what's the big deal. Where am I going with this? That's a good questions and not one that I even exactly know the answer to myself right now.

I guess I've been thinking about all this training alone that I do. It's not that I lack motivation, and it's not that I don't like training, I do. Something has happened though. Some of the fun has been taken out of it. Some of the reasons I liked getting up at 5:30am to head to the pool are now over and it's affected me, deeply.

One of the reasons I love this sport is the people. The people in triathlon (for the most part) are just exceptional. They are fun-loving, energetic, positive, funny, and just nice. The people at my gym became more like a family to me, encouraging me, supporting me, making me laugh at 6:00am when I didn't feel like getting into a cold pool. Somehow it made it so much easier just to know they were going to be there when I got out of bed. These days, not only is my personal life the hardest struggle I have ever been through in my entire life, but the training (or the lack thereof by missing workouts here & there and everywhere) is just making it more and more frustrating, leaving me with a decision to make.
I've been asking myself plenty of questions lately. Why am I doing this? What do I hope to gain from it? Am I letting it define me? What are the repercussions and sacrifices that training for this sport in this manner brings along with it? Does it make sense right now? What are my priorities? What do I want people to see from my life and how is what I am doing benefiting others?
I have more questions than answers, that is for sure. I love training, but there has to be more for me, that's just the breaks. There must be a goal in mind, either tangible or intangible or I am just not interested. That's how I work. That's how I function.
The short answer is, I'm in a big momentum deficit. It hasn't been around for months. I've tried to make it, create it, conjure it, think about it, overcome it, forget about it, say it doesn't matter, survive without it - all of the above.

This weekend I attended a Mark Allen Online Training Camp in Washington, DC with my coach Luis. At one moment he was standing above me on the pool deck, athletes of all caliber all around me, and he started shouting out times and intervals I had to meet. He was saying crazy stuff, insane stuff, intervals I have never attempted to meet, let alone on 5 seconds rest. You know what, I didn't think, I didn't put expectations or negative thoughts in my mind, like NIKE says - I just did it. I took the momentum I was experiencing from seeing other athletes do well, and encourage me again and my coach believing I COULD do what he was asking or he wouldn't have asked me to try it. I broke a major barrier in the pool, and realized I am capable of much more than I have been expecting of myself over these last months. You know what, I'm done. I'm done setting the bar so low. I'm done complaining about the hot pool. I'm done acting like ohhh..whoa is me.. I'm here all alone. Something has to give. People can say I took the easy way out, people can say they don't understand (and they won't).

This was a tough thing to say because I am not sure what I am doing or how I am doing it. I just know what I need to be sane and this, for right now, is it. It's not that I couldn't keep doing it here, training, working alone, trying to keep my sanity intacted, it's just that I realize how much better things could be and maybe if some things in my life can get a little better, maybe everything in my life can get a little better.

That's what I am hoping. For now, all I really have left is hope. It's a scary feeling, and an exhilarating feeling thinking that everything will change, but that if someone is in control that knows more about it than you, then things will find a way of working out - somehow, someway.

So that's it. Now comes the hard part(s). Please keep me in your prayers as I tackle the hard parts and Kyle and I attempt to figure out if this is going to work and how. There's way more to this story than I am saying here, and hopefully you will know that's the way it has to be.
I believe in the plan, however hard, however scary, however uncertain - it's there, for my life, and I hope I start feeling like I am on it again, somehow, someday soon.

Pre-swim in aruba - I think I am going to burn this blue water and beach into my brain so I can pull it up when the winter comes again!!

The last night we ate at this beautiful place on the water known for watching the sunset as you toast to a great trip and wonderful people! It was amazing! If you ever go there I will find out the name for you!

At the top of the restaurant

Coach Luis with his lunch in DC this weekend!

Ian was a fellow camper. He was about 6'3" tall and as British as they come! I loved his accent! He just did IM AZ and had a great race for his very first IM!
A bag of goodies from the Mark Allen Online Team sponsors arrived and I got a new heart rate monitor! Thank you Polar! I passed the other one on to put it to some good use. I'm very hopeful about the momentum it will create.

New Team Uniforms and how about all this girl power pink stuff! What is UP with that? Both the fuel belt and the TYR bag - Pink as they come! I guess it's in, so I'm in! Thank you Fuel Belt & TYR. Can't wait to try it out!

No comments: